Parenting vs. Mess

For my first parenting article response I chose one about messy homes vs. happy children.  You can read the complete article…Click Here

This article has come across my news feed several times in the past month or two.  The basic premise is that the husband blamed the mom for the messy house because she is a stay-at-home mom.  He looked at the dirty dishes as a sign that his wife sat around all day.  Until one day, he started realizing that his children are happy, despite the mess.  And he realized that she chose to do things with her children instead of cleaning.

Awww, what a nice husband realizing that staying home caring for the children all day is a full time job.  Taking care of the house is also a big job.  BUT, it does not have to be one or the other.  Good parents don’t have to choose to do things with their children all day long and leave the house a mess.  Ok, I know I am probably getting a lot of angry looks by parents, particularly stay-at-home parents, but hear me out.  In caring for children and teaching your children there is an important lesson to be learned about taking pride in your home and your stuff.  You don’t have to choose your children OR your house.  Choose both.  And choose both for the sake of your children, and to teach them important life lessons about picking up after themselves, taking care of their belongings, and taking pride in their home.  Their future spouse will thank you! 

The author of this particular article mentions that he noticed how happy his children are.  Well of course they are!  When children have no chores or expectations to help maintain the household there isn’t a whole lot to not be happy about!  But what a disservice to the children and the children’s future spouse and family! 

Taking care of the home does not have to be the sole job of the stay-at-home mom.  Children, even young children, can learn to pick up their toys, put their plate in the dishwasher, or put their clothes in the hamper.  Part of teaching our children is teaching them to be part of the family and contributing in a meaningful way.  Teaching does not only mean we help them learn numbers, and the alphabet, and when to say please and thank you.  Teaching children to be prideful, take care of their things, and take care of their home helps them learn how the world works.  In the world we are expected to pick up after ourselves rather than littering on the ground.  In the world we are expected to clean up when we make a mess.  In the world, we are expected to take ownership of our actions and how they affect the beauty of the world.  On a nature hike would you allow your child to hack down plants, litter their garbage, or throw landscaping rocks around?  No?  Then why would you allow them to throw things on the ground at home, not pick up their toys, or destroy things in the house? 

My second rant about the article is that it gives the impression that husbands can either blame their stay-at-home wife for the mess or learn to live with it understanding she is busy.  What about him saying “wow, they must have been busy today so I’ll step up and pick up the house”?  Shouldn’t the working dad take just as much pride in the home and teach his children that it is important to pick up after themselves and pitch in as a family?  The alternative to the stay-at-home mom keeping the house clean is not automatically accepting the mess.  The alternative can, and should, be the husband pitching in.  I mean, I get it, he worked all day.  But he probably had a peaceful commute to work to listen to music he wanted and have a complete thought without interruption.  He probably had a lunch break.  And he probably had adult conversation.

When looking at these ‘all or nothing’ articles; there is usually a happy medium that makes the most sense.  And for my family, I choose to teach important life lessons instead of only the book lessons.  I choose to teach my son to pick up after himself.  To take pride in his things.  To be a contributing part of the family in a meaningful way. 

Parenting Articles vs. Reality

I am always drawn to the many links to parenting articles shared on social media.  The article usually makes it seem very clear that a certain point about raising children makes complete sense.  Most seem to be articles that make excuses for not doing something… and the articles aim to make lack of parenting seem to make complete sense. 

Parents with messy houses can feel vindicated about a disastrous house because they are catering to their children at all times.  And of course, children are only young once so it would be considered poor parenting to spend a little time on the house; that takes away from the children afterall.  Articles insist that spending too much time catering to their children is bad for their development because they become self-centered.  So the alternative is to provide them with a home, food, clothing, and opportunities for them to play on their own.  On the flip side there are blogs and posts about embracing every minute, opportunity, and experience with your child.  Play with them.  All day.  Accommodate their every wish, embrace their back talk because they are learning to assert themselves.  You get the picture.  Right? 

Rather than lose my mind at the ridiculousness of some of these ‘all or nothing’, ‘this way is best’ articles I have decided to have a little fun with them.   Because, well, I’m rather opinionated and of course the blogosphere would love to hear my thoughts!  Right?  So, each time I see one of these parenting articles come across my news feed I will refer to the article and offer my response. 

Off to find the most recent of these articles…. Stay tuned!!

 

Step 1 complete

I had surgery yesterday and all went well.  I talked to the anesthesiologist about my concerns and the medication was changed to something that leaves the body quicker.  It ended up being much better than I anticipated!  That surgery was the first step in my process for IVF.  After a month to heal I'll start meds next month.  I am happy to feel like we are moving forward.  But the waiting time is unpleasant.  I don't wait well. I kind of obsess.  And I can't get whatever it is I am waiting for off my mind.  Good think I'll be busy in the next two months between work and school and the millions of appointments that go along with IVF.

Nerves

I have surgery on Tuesday.  I wasn't nervous at first.  But now I am.  As the day approaches I get more worried.  It is minor surgery I am having to remove, or alter, a tumor on my uterus.  It isn't the actually surgery I am worried about.  It is the being put under part.  I had surgery before, everything went well but I HATED being put under.  I mean, really, really hated it!  While under I had terrible nightmares and thought they were true as I was coming out of anesthesia.  I kind of freaked out.  But that was before losing Jayce.  I am worried I am going to have nightmares about Jayce while under.  I have nightmares about losing him all the time.  Some are not pleasant.  Some are terrible.  And some are even worse than that.  I am really really nervous about having nightmares while under anesthesia about Jayce.  And I am even more worried that I will remember them. 

Chatting with strangers while out of town by myself is usually pretty interesting.  I meet some great people and have some interesting conversations.  Until they ask me about my life.  Everyone that knows me knows I am honest.  I am open.  I say what I am feeling.  But there are some common questions that turn the conversation quickly south... Do you have children?  How many kids do you have?  You mentioned a 5 year old, do you have any others? 

And so ensues a conversation that I didn't intend.  I answer lighthearted, trying to keep the conversation light.  Oh, um, I have an 18 month old son that went to Heaven last year.... I have another child that lives in Heaven.... I have two, a 5 yr old son and an 18 month old that lives in Heaven.... by the way, wasnt that a great presentation by.... ?

Despite my efforts to keep the conversation light it changes.  It starts with a change in the eyes.  Dispair.  Pity. Sorrow.  It is usually accompanied by a visible muscle movement in the jaw.  It clenches, or moves, indicating discomfort.  Or trying to get emotions under control.  And then the obligatory "I'm so sorry".  I never know how to respond to "I'm sorry".  No response seems appropriate.  "Umm, it's ok", well, it's not.  "Don't worry about it", that seems odd.  "Thanks"... thanks for what?  Sympathy?  I don't want sympathy.  I would rather someone just say "That's terrible! What happened?".  Following it with a question I can actually answer is much better.  I know how to answer questions.  I don't know how to respond to 'I'm sorry'.

Tonight, I had one of these conversations.  In addition to child loss we also talked about the other changes that happened around the same time... I started my PhD program shortly before, we moved to a new house, I was on medical disability for PTSD and ended up accepting a new job, our washer flooded our new house causing extensive damage and work about two months after moving in... lots of changes.  Lots of work.  Lots to deal with.  And somehow... somehow... the conversation continued with a discussion about surgery on Tuesday and then infertility.  It may sound like the conversation was all gloomy and depressing but it really wasn't.  It was ok.  Ok, until the final comment.  While leaving, the final comment was... "It was so nice meeting you and talking with you.  You really put my life into perspective and made me realize my life is perfect."  I'm glad.  I am happy I could help someone else feel better about their life.  But it made me question my own.  My life sucks, but not all the time.  There is lots of happy, lots of good times, lots of accomplishment, forward movement, and good days.  But when someone indicates my life is so bad it helps make others feel their life is perfect it kind of lets me know how my life sounds to others. 

When asked, I cannot leave Jayce out when I answer how many children I have.  When asked about my life, child loss is part of it.  It's a big part of who I am now, so it naturally comes up in conversation.  I don't want to apologize for bringing it up.  And I don't want to feel bad for bringing someone else down.  Usually I am able to steer the conversation back to positive by saying things like "I cant believe I have made it through the past year but here I am and I am looking forward to embracing the next year.  So, tell me about your family."  I try.  I really do, to steer it back to positive.  It doesn't always work.  I hope that through my story, it inspires someone else to embrace their life and focus on all the positive in it.  Because if I can find positive after the struggles and loss we have been faced with, certainly most other families can find something positive in theirs.

After much consideration I have decided to start a blog about our life after the loss of our sweet baby Jayce.  I'll begin with an overview of our life...

Exchanging vows on the beach in Tulum, Mexico our family started. We couldn't wait to expand by having children. We soon discovered that it wouldn't be a simple task and began our infertility journey. After two long years we welcomed our first child, Quinn Emerson Morgan on July 23rd, 2009. Such a beautiful addition to our family! Weighing 8lbs 3oz and 21 in. long, he was perfection! 

Knowing our difficulty conceiving, we got started on our second child and was surprised to learn I became pregnant with triplets! We were terrified and excited and already loved all three babies! Unfortunately, two were lost during pregnancy only weeks after learning about them. The rest of the pregnancy went well and we welcomed our second baby boy, Jayce Anderson Morgan, on January 27th, 2012. Weighing 6lbs 15oz and 20.5 in., he was much smaller than his brother but made his presence known with the most adorable squeek! 

Our life was perfect for 18 months. Watching our two boys grow, learn, and build their sibling relationship was amazing! We felt joy, we felt blessed, we felt busy, and we felt love. The most difficult days of our lives soon followed when on August 20th, 2013, when Jayce was 18 months old, we walked into his room in the morning and found he had passed away in his sleep. With no warning. No reason. No prior illnesses. He took half of our heart with him when he grew his wings and flew to Heaven. 

We are now in the process of expanding our family.  As was pointed out at the fertility clinic I am now old, I have old eggs.  Our fertility problems have continued to grow and we now find ourselves beginning the process of In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF).   

Follow along as we continue to grieve.  As we continue to try to expand our family.  We're sure to have many adventures along the way.